and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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