She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
