i need an iv and a liver transplant
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
