maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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