Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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