my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
