This dress was meant to end up on your floor
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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