I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
