remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize