So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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