i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
