I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
