If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just had sex on a roof
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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