Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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