She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
