At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize