So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
