I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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