I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
