i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
