I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
