Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
