Plan B is the new Plan A
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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