he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
