literally had 100 drinks last night.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
