Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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