I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
