there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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