I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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