I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
