According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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