u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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