I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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