I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
