I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize