So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
