my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
