i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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