I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
