All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
is it fun? or sober?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
