Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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