Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
