Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
