if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
