I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
