im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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