i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
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