Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
