i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
