Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
