The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
