I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
