I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
