apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So. Much. Porn.
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