So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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