I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
