I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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