The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Acid is not a monday night drug
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
