i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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