I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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