Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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